September 02, 2004

Terrified

I start TAing again. And I'm in this daze where I can't even imagine getting up there and talking to the students again. I feel frozen in fear with all these expectations. "If I don't do this right, then the whole semester will be dreadful" "If I show, at all , the insecurities that I am feeling then they are going to EAT ME ALIVE!" Hmm, wonder where those ideas have stemmed from? I can't even think straight to analyze 'em. Actually, I can't even think. Period. How did I ever do this? Plus, our toilet is clogged and I have to fix it. Really, today is terrifying.

Posted by liza at September 2, 2004 11:58 AM
Comments

OK, you sound like I feel going through labor, and here are my current favorite coping techniques for that. Perhaps you could take them metaphorically, as they are mostly physical, but terror is in the body too, I guess:
1. Breathe normally: don't hyperventilate, but don't hold your breath either. You need that flow of oxygen to your head, arms, etc.
2. Relax: but don't just tell your unwilling body to relax, get someone to relax it for you, or practise tensing and relaxing muscle groups if there's noone available at the time.
3. Be curious about the pain (or terror): This sounds ridiculous and a little naive, but it sneakily detaches you from the feeling.

Good luck!

Posted by: Bahiyyih at September 2, 2004 04:36 PM

Hey Liza,

Have you ever read the book "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway"? I'm in the middle of it right now and I'm really enjoying it and feel like it's helped me a lot. I highly recommend it!!!

Good luck with TAing. I know you'll do great and will feel much better once you've gotten back into the swing of things!

Heather

Posted by: Heather at September 2, 2004 08:10 PM

Liza,
I know that I teach high schoolers and that they are very different from college kids (I think), but I just posted about a not-so-good day I had in one of my classes last week. While it was happening, I just decided to stop putting up this "front" that everything was ok, and I let the kids see my real emotions. I'm not suggesting you cry in front of them, but it might be good to let them see you for who you are. (Maybe you are already doing that. ) How could anyone not love you once they get to know you?

I liked Bahiyyah's advice. When I've talked to my "mental health professional" about my anxiety and panic issues, she's given me this advice:
1) Try not to think too much about bad things that MIGHT happen in the future. Focus on your responsibilities at the moment. For example, instead of lying in bed at night, panicking that I don't have the perfect lesson plan, I just tell myself that my responsibility at the moment is to be a good sleeper.
2) Intentionally "catastrophize" the situation by coming up with scenarios of the worst possible outcome. Sometimes this helps you see the humor in the whole situation, and makes you reconsider whether occasional "failure" really is the end of the world, as it often seems to be.

You'll be great. I love you and miss you lots!

Posted by: Katie Smith at September 4, 2004 05:05 PM