liza bean
FYI: C = confidence
A few days ago, during clean up time after children's classes, Billy (father of cutie patooties Georgia and Maya and baby-girl-to-be Baker) asked me something along the lines of, "Liza, what have you been working on this semester?" First of all, I find those sorts of questions so interesting to answer because they really make me think! It's no simple "how are your classes going?" or "how are you?" Needless to say, I had no simple reply. I can't even remember my response. But I have been thinking about it all week. Here is my reply:
Mid-term evaluations. The time of the semester when you really get know exactly what your "superiors" think of you. My first supervisor, let's call her Ms. Blessing, pointed out a lot of very positive qualities about me. I am continuously shocked by her comments. I mean, wasn't she watching? Didn't she hear me trail off and forget to cue my client about a million times each session? Apparently, my blunders are normal. DUH, LIZA BEAN. And now enters the theme of my semester, of my life really: confidence. Her comment to me was, "Liza, you do not give yourself nearly enough credit. You are going to be a stellar clinician". WHAT? In my mind I am constantly questioning if I have what it takes. I feel like my own struggles with communication and social skills hinder, to a devastating degree, my ability to provide adequate therapy.
Then off I go to supervisor number two, or shall I say Ms. The One I Am a Whee Bit Scared Of. Luckily this semester I do not have Ms. You TOTALLY Scare the Sh** Out of Me. So she goes through the evaluation, and what do you know? Her biggest concern for me: my confidence. And she says similar stuff-- "I see your potential, you don't give yourself enough credit, believe in yourself, you really know your stuff -don't doubt yourself".
So here I am. Developing self goals. Now, I am fully aware of my lack of confidence (let's face it, that's the basis of my anxiety folks) and was extremely relieved/shocked to hear that my lack of confidence in my abilities has been unfounded. (I am also extremely embarassed that the "world" is fully aware of my lack of confidence, pahoohy). Now, when I am able to come to similar conclusions all on my own, that will be a sign that I've gained some C. Because what I've been doing this semester -my theme so far- has been to survive being evaluated by other people. I forgot about surviving my own evaluations -which turned out to be much harsher.
Last night I revisited the book "Self Matters" by the former Oprah psychologist. I come across a lot of Dr. Phil bashers -- it's fine if you find him cheesy/annoying. Personally, the exercises in his book have been helpful in this ongoing quest for building up my self-esteem/self confidence. If anyone knows of any other great books on this subject that'd be great. I'm looking for the kind that gives me some hands-on ideas and exercises.
Posted by liza at October 26, 2004 02:54 PM