liza bean
In all seriousness I write the following NOT because I want to be pitied or that I feel sorry for myself. My troubles are my own and I would NOT trade them for anyone else's (because, goodness, mine aren't that bad-- I know this!). My purpose in writing is therapuetic in nature. With that said:
It's that time again. I've been feeling heavy lately. My mind's been fogged by an unsettling sadness that I just can't shake. The next few days seem unsurmountable. The next few years seem cloudy and mundane, redundant really. I need to fight so very hard against this state of mind. It's interesting how sadness creates a literal ache in the chest area. Wonder what that is about, chemically or pyschologically or whateverally. That's right. I wrote it. Whateverally.
I went to a TA meeting tonight and the mood was tense and everyone was talking over each other and...oh man, it was tense. Students are very unhappy and we were trying to sort out the discrepancies in grading. An 8:30pm meeting time is not good. My supervisor remarked something about me not being very upbeat tonight and I realized, man, I'm never upbeat on a Monday night! I have this initial reaction to tell myself " must be more enthusiastic next week so that she'll know I really care about doing a good job as a TA". This tendency to want to be SUPER in the eyes of all people is really screwing me over big time. I'm just always going to be tired at 8:30 pm on a Monday evening and that's that. No need to mentally beat myself upside the head about it.
I find it really odd that hardest thing I find about life is being happy about life.
It's exhausting, being nervous about what I say in front of my family and friends. I think I'm quiet so often because I think too hard. Plus, I am not very eloquent and find it extremely difficult to get my thoughts expressed exactly how I feel them.
Well, I beginning to think too hard again. Stress level is rising. This post must come to...The end.
Posted by liza at February 14, 2005 09:36 PMLiza,
You are VERY eloquent, even if you did say whateverally. I like that word, btw. Anyway, as I've told you before, you are MUCH, MUCH harder on yourself than anyone else is on you. I, for one, know that you are EXTREMELY intelligent, hardworking, compassionate, and beautiful.
I was just thinking again the other night about our freshman-year drives around town and how therapeutic they were for both of us, I think. I loved being in the dark car with Alexis' CD playing, talking to you, crying to you. It's hard for me to know you're not feeling 100% right now. Chin up, friend. You will come out of this one too.
Posted by: Mz. Smlph at February 15, 2005 08:56 PMThank you Katie- your kind words mean so much to me! I'm feeling much better this evening. Just still have those low moments now and again. I miss our drives. I feel at peace just remembering them :)
Posted by: Liza at February 15, 2005 09:02 PM