liza bean
A key component of my new exercise program is to get enough sleep. I missed my scheduled day of getting my heart pumping due to lack of sleep. Perhaps I will make it up tomorrow. I've been eating better- I can't even remember the last time I had fast food....oh nevermind, I forgot about the Taste of Champaign. Nonetheless, progress has been made. I am going to do a better job of taking care of my body cause my mind and soul need it to work with gusto! I'm tired of being tired, do ya hear me?
Anyhoo. My emotions at the moment are a familiar combination of worry, fear, and anxiety. Mix 'em all together and whalaa -you get Liza stress. Today was another "how am I ever going to survive the next year?" day. I'm so tired of being evaluated! I don't want the lectures about taking class seriously from the professors (again, poor exam scores do not necessarily equate to lazy students!), and the scribbles of constructive criticism from the supervisors. I feel so bogged down by this aspect of my life, and I know therapy would be good for me -cause it's been helpful in the past- but I hide behind that curtain of fear and financial realities.
Adult life is hard. Come to think of it. Life is just plain hard. I feel as though I'm missing ambition -that special drive that makes people want to work for someone else for 50-60+ hours a week with 2-3 weeks vacation a year. When I think of life that way, I just start to get overwhelmed with boredom. Why do I lack such enthusiasm? I've definetely hit the road toward security, not passion. And with thousands owed in school loans, what choice do I have? Don't get me wrong, I've been enjoying this gig at the speech clinic but I can see how it could get really old, really fast. And is this just a doomed pattern of mine -- I won't like any career I might choose due to a relentless fear of failure? Boo, hiss. Time for bed.
okay, so I'm sitting here at 3:25 in morning in the computer lab of my favorite (gag) place -the speech building. I attempted to walk home, I really did. I made it about, oh, a half a block before a really bad feeling took over me and I ran back to the safety to the 70's of this decor. Getting that rape whistle freshman year and attending that manditory safety class really affected my ability to walk home alone at night. So here I am. Twiddling my thumbs while trying to type. Whoa - I can't do both at the same time - you try! Can you? I just want my bed. Brent's due home within the hour so I'm thinking I'm going to wait it out. Please, please, please, don't let this be the night when he has to stay until 4:00. PuLEASE! Oh, it's officially Brent's birthday- happy b-day B! Now come on home, B...
Whoooohoooooooooooooooooooo! I had a really good session with one of my speech clients today. I've been flying high ever since. I'm so glad too because it has helped me become enthusiastic about all the paperwork and research I need to do today. AND I'm excited -it's off to the Education Library for me - whippee! I like finding good materials....and browsing through all those books. I really should have considered becoming a librarian - it was the #1 career that fit my skills/interests when I took a test to determine possible careers but all is well. I chose something different. And yey- I finally felt like I know a little about what the heck I'm doing! It's taken long enough but this girl finally had a good therapy session :) Hope you all are having a GREAT day!
After watching Supersize Me I have been determined to do the following things: #1. cut down on my sugar intake
#2. decrease my food intake of fast food
#3. increase my food intake of vegetables
#4. increase my food intake of grains and protein-latent food that isn't meat --mostly just because I don't like to cook it!
#5. exercise on a regular basis (I'm thinking of doing a M, W, F regime for starters)
Now how am I doing?
Well, my sugar intake has gone way down -yippee! It's been officially over a week since I've taken a sip of pop. Now that's a milestone. I have decreased fast food but still have room for improvement (oh man, those McD. fries are hollering at me!). Let's not talk about the veggies just yet. Or the grains and protein-latent ..... But I have begun my swimming regime....I just took a little break last week. Wish me luck!
It's weird being home late at night knowing Brent won't be around for hours. I can't say that in this first 11 months of marriage I've grown used to falling asleep with someone else in my bed -Brent doesn't sleep unless it's the wee hours of the morning and the early hours of late morning/early afternoon- but I still miss falling asleep knowing that he is just in the other room. It's lonely here, with just me and my bugs. When he does arrive home, I sit up straight, smile, look at his exhausted body and worn expression on his face, give 'em a "wow! you survived another day of lifting boxes- you're awesome!" hug, and finally, I am able to fall asleep more soundly. Because this week was the first week of clinic and I'm back to that stressed version of Liza, I have failed to get more than 5-6 hours of sleep a night since Monday. So today, after a 9:00 am appointment with my superviser, I came home and collapsed into bed, and found it not so very hard to believe that I awoke SIX hours later.
And naturally, as both of our lives have gotten busier, our once (and rather brief) control over the cleanliness of our living room, kitchen, bathroom, and dining room is starting to collapse. I am very proud to announce that our car (the very same one that nine year-old Sebastian commented about "You know, my mom cleans our car at least once a year") has been rather clean and uncluttered for like three weeks or something like that. Way to go us!
Tomorrow needs to be a study day for me. I have my first exam for a class on ethics on Monday and my professor warned us that we better be able to not only provide specific examples from class readings, but that we also better be able to cite our examples -with author, title and all- during the short essay items. Wow- can I say that I think her expectations are a bit nutty and a bit out of touch with what I view my purpose in taking in this course? I am not here to memorize essay titles, author names, dates, etc.! I am here to learn IMPORTANT things people. And I'm sorry, but Micheal Chail's (1994) fifteen guidelines about his views on professional behavior are interesting, yes, helpful, agreed, but knowing the exact title of his essay- along with fifteen others- NOT SO HELPFUL --don't waste my precious time! Sigh. It's just hard to take a class that seriously when my professor has us watch a two hour videotape of her lecturing -which, by the way, consisted of her reading directly out of the course packet. When education is viewed as a way to measure who attends class and who actually does all the readings, something has gone whacky. I'm doing my best to learn by my own standards: I do think that understanding the ethical standards set-up by my future profession is important, and my goal for this particular class is to do just that. And it's extremely important to know exactly what it means to get licensed as an SLP- so don't you worry, I'm paying attention! I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned thus far in grad school is to set my own personal goals for education and self-growth and to not let other people's standards/expectations/criticisms weigh me down because ultimately it's my behavior, my knowledge, and my growth that I am responsible for, and I need to stop living my life according to the standards set out by other people. Now, some may interpret that as a rebellious stance against authority. I guess, in a sense, it is. But really, I am very obedient to certain authorities -especially those that I trust or really believe are a source of guidance to follow. And it's not like I'm about to go disobey my supervisers. I'm just going to take their evaluations of my behavior and knowledge with a grain of salt. This world is far to critical to really look at me and see me for who I really am! And I know, I've been and continue to see the world with such a critical outlook. But I'm trying to change my perceptions, and by changing how I look at myself I think I can change my overall outlook as well. We shall see, we shall see.
Ooh, and I'm getting really excited about baby Amia. She's due mid-July and it's approaching very quickly. Yey for little ones -they brighten my life so immensely :)
Ooh, what a busy week! It begin with watching two very adorable little girls all on my own, then ended with providing speech/language therapy for two very easy-going and motivated boys. I've spent so many hours this week just plain thinking that my head hasn't stopped spinning with all the /r/ sound, phonological awareness information I've been cramming into it the past two weeks. But yey--so far I've really enjoyed my work at the clinic!
Last night I had a visitor. I discovered him on my bed and very quickly flicked him off. And that little firefly decided to perch himself upon my wall until I turned the lights out. As I dreamily fell off to sleep I was awoken several times by streaks of lights illuminating my bedroom air. Those suckers are bright! But I was too tired to catch it, and eventually fell asleep- with soft flickering lights and all.
My mom called this morning with some bad news. The vet said that there wasn't much that could be done for our little schnoodle dog. So today, we say goodbye to our Yammi Oscar Isaac Mitchell. So here's to Yammi:
Dear stinky one,
As you take your last blurry look (his vision has gotten pretty bad over the years) at this place you've called home, know that we are all smiling at you and giving you mental scraps from our dinner plates. We have loved your little twirling tricks and roll-overs; no dog will ever play soccer as well as you Mr. Schnoodle. Although I can not say I will miss the stank of your ever-so-nasty getting breath as you bark at the racoon, neighbors, ants, etc..., we will all miss your loyalty to this family. I will miss the little pitter-patter of those tiny paws across the hardwood floors, and that wag of your fluffy grey tail at the mere mention of a walk. I know you never let me pick you up (only Suzanne, Mom, and Dad got that priveledge) but I respect your nervous ways; I learned your boundaries. We all did. Except perhaps Nathan - he needed a show of hands for those who had been bitten by you before he could truly appreciate your anxiety toward sudden movement. I am sorry I almost teased you into nipping my shoe- I won't ever try that again. You have lived a good life Yammi-- although I must, yet again, apologize for the doll clothes. I'm sorry, but you always did look good in bright checkered clothing. You were so scared when you first came to our family but you learned quickly that you would be cared for. I remember your first snow fall. Oh the joy you found in hopping about in a cold shimmering winterland. And that time you got lost in Aurora -twenty miles from home- good dog for being sweet to those little kids. Thanks for being our family dog. Your legacy will not be forgotten.
love,
Liza
I wrote this days ago and was too self-conscious to post it. But here goes:
"Ditto. Love you always"
An inscription from a book given to me years ago from a dear friend whom I've now lost contact. It's been a few since I gotten the urge to write but now I feel like writing. I had a very powerful conversation with my sister the other night that both had me terrified yet also gave me a sense of healing from the pain I've been experiencing lately. She helped -ever so honostly, gently and lovingly- guide me to something I know I must do for myself, and in sense, for everyone who cares about me. This little lady (Liza) has had enough of her low self-esteem, her negative thinking patterns. Time to take yet another active stance against the workings of my mind. So I start that journey with an entry in which I will explore my past to, hopefully, understand my mental reactions and actions more clearly. And tonight, on part one of an epic journey into my inner workings, I will investigate fear #1: Abandonment.
Freshman year of high school I had two close girl friends. One evening I called one of the girls up to talk -not about much really, that was just what I did as a teenage girl. Her mom told me that she was at the other girl's house. Now what you have to understand is that up to that point we did everything all together- so it was odd. So I called the other girl up. And she lied- she told me "no, so-n-so isn't here" while I listened to one of them laughing in the background while the other tried to compose herself over the phone. And that marked the end of a two year friendship. From that point forward they ignored me, wouldn't talk to me, and I was stuck in that horrible high school with no friends. That year sucked. But what really sucks is what I took out of that experience - the notion that people are very capable of turning on you without any arguments, without any discussion. I've been told that that is a very typical teenage girl experience, and so I wonder why I've internalized the notion that eventually friends just stop wanting to be around you. Perhaps it's because that happened again senior year- to a much lesser degree. Was it the repeated occurence? Or perhaps, I find ways of guarding myself against it- which in turn, results in loss of friendship. Do I push people away? I know that life changes and people change, and with change comes a change in relationships and interactions but I would just hate to think that I'm driving people away. I'm always on guard -waiting for the moment when I'm going to be left behind so I apologize for those of you who have been affected by my sensitivity. I've "recently" lost touch with a dear friend from high school, and it has spurred this incessant anxiety about all the friendships I have. I have yet to analyze my fear of abondment sufficiently because deep down I really do believe that eventually each and every one of you will grow tired of me or that we'll lose touch because of me and my ways. I feel as though perhaps I have more to think about -that there is more to uncover as to what I have internalized from my past and more recent experiences.
It's now 5:30 am and I just can't seem to get to sleep. Although my body found my bed at 3:00 am this morning, I could not fall asleep as I waited for Brent to get back from an interview with FedEX at 4:00 am- my insomnia is only intensified when big news might come my way! But alas, apparantly Brent was given an incorrect interview time by the FedEX lady and was sent home confused and lacking a much anticipated interview. What is up with that place? Well, it sent my already perplexed and emotionally crazed mind a swirling and here I am typing on the computer. Sigh. Pooh (as in the bear). Darn FedEX -you really shouldn't get my hopes up like that!