liza bean
Well, the semester has begun. So far, life is calm. My clinic assignments do not begin until the week after Labor Day, and the TA thing doesn't start for another five wonderful days. My stomach goes all crazy just thinking about it so I think I'll put that out of my mind until tomorrow.
My current project:
Our apartment is a mess but not out of control and I really do believe that by the end of the day I just might have all the clothes in this house clean. We have never gone a day in this first year of marriage without a good two to three loads of dirty laundry stank'n up our beautiful big closet. Men's clothing is BIG; I blame it on that.
The kitchen is nearly squeaky clean. Okay, not really. But we have managed to clean our dishes within 24 hours of making a mess, sometimes within 20 minutes, and that is progress in the Falconer household. Very good progress. Now if we could only get rid of our new furry roommate that likes to scurry across the tiny space between the oven and the fridge, and freak Brent out far more than this here big girl Liza, we'll be in business.
And, oh my GOODNESS, our back porch is clean. It's pretty! It's shiny! It's Mr. Falconer's game room, and let me tell you- it's a happening place! A+ for Brent. That guy is a crazy fast, cleaning machine when he's got his mind set on fixing up our place.
Auntie update:
The girl is "gooing" (cooing with a /g/). This soon to be speech-language pathologist is getting her ears tuned for all the days of baby babbling to come. And the cutest thing in the world: Amia's big smiles while her mamma gives her many a repeated kiss on the baby's chubby wubby cheeks.
We are an hour away from scheduled departure of the Falconer home. Soon I will be in super "get crap done" mode and thoughts about my visit to the mountains will have to be temporalily put aside. Five minutes and counting down. So yesterday a small crew of us went the Blue Ridge Mts. We decided to hike a mile down the mountian (cars do wonders of getting you up!) in search of a waterfall. The hike down was peaceful. You never realize how noisy humans are until you find yourself alone in the middle of the forrest terrain. And the light was exquisitely beautiful as it peaked through the acres of pine on the ridge. We found the natural wonder and after a good time sitting at the edge of watery cliff, we made our way back. I found myself alone, happy to challenge the mountain all on my own. The process of hiking UP the sometimes rocky terrain was not at all fun! I found myself stopping every, gasp, twelve feet or so..out of breath, out of energy, my heart pounding so hard I could feel it in my throat. I gave myself mini-goals. The trail was marked with blue-dotted trees every so often. For a while, I stopped at every marker. I grabbed on the tree, willing it to give me it's energy. I would wait to catch my breath, a minute or two, and then would continue on. Right when I got to the point of "I can not do this! Please, make it STOP!!!" the trail became more of a steady incline, I found myself able to skip stopping at the trees. And I nearly began to cry when I came to the crossroads pointing me to my escape from the mountian hike. Whoo, the exhaustion. But wow, I sure wish I could make that hike every day. I've never felt so physically accomplished, so cleansed. And now ten minutes later, I really must get to packing!
I think I did. I find myself humming and singing now. I used to do that all the time. My cousin once asked, during an ever dramatic scene of playing house, "Liza, must you sing all..the...TIME??!" It feels so natural to me to treat life like a musical. Next must come the dancing. Suz- I was listening to some Stevie Wonder the other day and fondly remembered our little dance routine. We'll have to teach it to Amia someday. Do you think she's inherited your gracefulness?? A little early to tell, I know.
Yesterday, I mustered up energy from this ever so lethargic body to go kayaking on the man-made, algae-ridden lake. At first I was agitated by how close my body got to the nasty, not-swimmable water until I came across a bunch o' duckies. I stopped paddeling and just let my kayak, and hence body, float toward them. And then this sense of tranquility overcame me, and the remainder of my time on the lake was spent making up a melody for a prayer to teach the little ones back home. I never really understood the word "creativity". It has always been this mystical existence among artsy or crafty people, a category I never put myself in. But as I floated, playing with notes and rhythms, I finally understood first hand the create in creativity. Another moment of clarity. Another virtue to examine in its unique depths.
Among other news in Liza's mind:
Competition is fun! Being attached to winning: not fun. I used to think that to play and enjoy myself I had to stop trying to be competitive. Now I realize that a fun balance may be trying to win without being attached to the winning. Ooh, what a wonderful way to practice detachment! Playing games, especially a game like Settlers, can be like a gymnastic meet for spiritual qualities: the balance beam of patience, the vault of determination, the uneven bars of forgiveness, and the floor routine of detachment. Any one else been watching the Olympics? Yey, gymnastics!! Talk about grace and flexibility!
Today has been good for several reasons:
#1. I awoke this morning with a phone call from Katie S. The conversation was short but sweet. A needed wake-me upper.
#2. I not only continued my quest of enjoying the process of photography but was also able to leave the dryness of the porch as the rain has left, and I was able to enter the realm of the soggy, muddy remains of the Falconer's front and back lawn/personal forrest.
#3. I walked my dancing partner, Lucy; the cutest mut in the world heeled quite nicely as long as I used my voice in a much lower pitch than is natural for me. She's used to her male companions.
#4. I bought the "Family Virtues Guide" in an attempt to help prepare me for teaching more Sunday school classes and discovered that this book may very well help me in my continued search for higher self-esteem. After reviewing my previous posts (I've had a lot of free time- can't you tell?!), I saw many a continuous themes and questions. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of some great self-discovery, and this book may just assist me on my journey. E.g. For once (hallelujah, hallelujah!) I felt a sense of relief that it's okay that I am "flawed", that many a virtues need a working on but -oh my goodness- I have 'em all! Just need to continue to nurture 'em -slowly, with much much patience. What? The world's not black and white?? Get out of here!
#5. Garlic mashed potatoes, and salmon on the grill. For dinner. Tonight. Yum, yum!
I really didn't anticipate all this contemplating I've been doing lately. This vacation has been absolutely what I've needed for awhile. At home I usually rely on Brent or other people's company to deal with issues of yucky low self-esteem junk but here I'm all on my own as I give Brent a vacation with his friends/family, and I work on entertaining myself. Side note: Credit must be given to Midge who indeed does do her best to help in the matter of Liza entertainment. I am ever grateful for the pedicure and manicure among other activities. The point is, I've had difficulties with entertaining myself and with each visit, wow, it's just crazy that I've noticed changes within me. I feel like I'm on this spiritual retreat and here I am surrounded by tons 'o tons of people.
My little evening lullaby that I sing beneath the covers: "Oh God! Make my heart good and pure, freed and sanctified from all save Thy love." ~Baha'i Writings
People are trying to convince me to take part in some role-playing. I hesitate. Yesterday, I already broke out of my shell enough to create choruses for some "driving-down-the-high-way-freestyling-groove'n". I believe some lyrics included, "Hurricane in the our little city" and "I suck at this when I'm not alone". And then there was the dancing with the dog in the basement. I'm a different girl in Richmond.
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Suzanne often tells me that growth is a life-long process. She uses an anology of a tree. You don't just go from a seedling to a full blown oak- whamo, just like that. This post is a reflection of the power of process:
I am not quite sure my purpose in writing this blog anymore. I used to think of it as a way of journaling but I haven't done much of that lately. I suppose it helps me "keep in touch" in a less commital sort of way with people I haven't been able to see in ages. When I read other people's blogs it's fun. I like having weekly (if not more frequent!) reports about what people are up to, what they are thinking, etc. So for those of you who find the same fulfillment from my blog- well, that's something, huh? In a way, this is a creative outlet for me. I like to find humor in otherwise mediocre situations. I have used this post as an outlet for anger, depression, anxiety...but I feel like something is missing. Okay: the reality is that my self-consiousness is starting to get the better of me. I find myself worrying about miss-spellings, poor grammer, and most importantly -boring content. And I don't want to care about that kind of stuff!! So in order not to care, I need to find my purpose in this blog.
Very recently, I decided to begin taking pictures again. A few years ago I stopped because I felt I wasn't good enough, would never be good enough. Perfectionism taught me, "Good enough is determined by how you compare to others". But two weeks ago I got this urge to really use photography as my very own creative outlet. There was this light bulb moment when I realized that for once I could actually do it just for me. And today I began taking pictures again. Despite being stuck on a porch with a dark, rainy and overcast sky, I found immense pleasure in playing with the focus, using nature to crop my images. I even found myself humming and singing along as I moved from plant to spider web to flower to chair. I haven't felt that kind of joy in years. And while I was clicking away, it was a great relief knowing I didn't even care how the shots came out. My joy was from the creative process of it all. It brings tears to my eyes still; it's been way too long since I've "found" this part of myself.
So I know that's what I really want this blog to be for me. Another creative outlet. I guess what that means is I want to sit here and enjoy the process of writing a post. And sometimes I love writing! But that love, I am afraid, is not the love of the process but more the love of the end product. Do I really enjoy writing? I am tired of the anxiety and self-deprication that comes from putting so much emphasis on product. I don't want to really care what other people think about my writing. It's the process that helps me reflect, that helps me find a true sense of joy. Hmmm. Why can I find that freedom in photography but not in writing? And, oh my goodness, don't even get me started with theater- my true but abandoned creative love. I feel this tension inside me. Like I have a cage around my spirit. And I am itching, just itching, to feel more of that pure joy that I felt this morning.
Brent and I are in Richmond for the week- we got in yesterday. The ride from Dulles to Richmond was, for the most part, uneventful, if you are able to ignore to brute insanity of D.C. drivers. I thought Chicago was bad- my goodness, I've never come so close to other speeding cars in my life. There was this moment when a semi wanted into our lane and we couldn't pass it, we couldn't move to the right lane, we were stuck and the crazy went ahead and started moving into our lane. Now yes, it's true, we could have been in his/her blind spot but I'll have you know that Brent's mom was blaring on the horn to let the trucker know of our presence and to no avail. Luckily the right lane freed up and we were able to swerve out of the way just in time.
Four hours later, on the same highway, Brent's dad was not so lucky. His car is now totalled after a ten-car pile-up. He was pinned between a truck and another car and had to drive through them -skinning, smashing both sides of the car in the process. Traffic was stopped dead for two hours. The cause of the accident: a foot deep puddle caused by Hurricane Bonnie. Ten cars -most of which ended up totaled- and no major injuries. A miracle, really.
I wasn't even in the accident and I'm feeling a bit nervous about driving on these here crowded highways. Strangeness.
A shout-out to Ms. Smlph: I'm rather near to you :) I'll give you a call to see what your schedule is like and maybe I'll venture out on 495 S! Or was it 295 S that has signs for Rocky Mt.?
I really have no idea who reads this post so a warning to those you might roll your eyes at a bunch of baby gooshing: get those eyes ready for the rolling--
I've told my friends and husband how crazy I love my little neice Amia. Two days ago I was literally aching to see her again- like a little heart achy. I've never felt this unique kind of love before. Some may claim it's borderline obsession but I don't think so. I think it's what happens when two people you love so much have a baby (one of which you share the special bond of a shared childhood and very similar genetics!). Wow, yesterday Suzanne called the doctor and said, "Yes, I need to make a check-up appointment for my daughter!", and I nearly gasped. This beloved Amia is my sister's daughter! Suzanne has a daughter. For whatever reason it just sort of blows my mind. Four weeks later and I'm still amazed.
So yesterday my achy heart was calmed when I went for a visit. When I first came Suzanne was holding her up and her little head was so strong and bobbing around looking at the world. It's amazing how long that girl will stare at a blank white wall. That's when I'm like, hey, why not just stare at Auntie Liza instead and she's like, "umm, pardon me Tia, but you are blocking my view of the wall" and turns her head the other way. Did I tell you about the time she hissed at me? Of course I did, but here I go agian. I was clearing a little milk from her mouth and she hissed like a little baby snake as if to say, "Hey! I like the way that tastes..come on Aunt Liza...ah..stop..no...fine, but you better get my mommy cause now I'm hungry again!"
And yesterday, oh I smile still, there was a beautiful moment. Amia was wide awake and happy and Suzanne let me hold her for a bit. So I held her, mimicking her momma's style: my knees up providing a nice back support and a way for Amia to stare directly at me or the nice white wall to my right. So I started doing the typical adult things when around a baby. I started making noises and was talking in Motherese (that high pitched singy-songy voice, you've all heard it). I made this whooing sound, and melt my heart- she smiled right at me! So naturally I continued, more smiles, right at ME. So I continued. Then she gave me this really long smile, with bright eyes and a slight tilt of her head as if to say "oh you look funny! And that noise is very weird coming out of your puckered lips...do it again Aunt Liza, do it again!!" Those five minutes were glorious.
And yet, I ache still. For little Amia Carmen.
I'm just back from a really great and early (by my standards anyway!) walk-n-talk with KT. I've been having some frustrating days as of late because I have just not been able to get up before 11:00 and have not been able to get my butt in gear to do some productive stuff. I'm feeling motivated today. Being up and about at this time with that bright, cheery sun and cool summer air always seems to do the trick! It feels like Lake Vermillion weather here and makes me wanna jump on a speed boat and look for loons. But alas, I am not on vacation near a lake.
Worry has crept back into my life. Well, that little bug never really left but I've been feeling the bites more keenly as the fall semester approaches, and my life is still far from being the organized masterpiece I hope for. The other day I realized that I try to use organization as a type of medicine for worry -a preemptive (sp?) strike against the annoying knat. I need to find something else.
Hmm. I had all these thoughts that have seemed to escape me so I guess this will be a short one. For those of you in my neck of the woods- enjoy this amazingly wonderful weather!!! As for the rest of you, really, you should consider moving here. (SARA!)