liza bean
Because I do not speak nor write in the language of "html" I have decided to journey on over to the land of typepad. I have been itching to change things around here for months but just couldn't quite tackle how to format everything. I will continue my blogging at http://lizabean.typepad.com.
Billy, thank you so much for setting up this blog for me nearly a year ago and consistently getting rid of the ugly comments- a task I couldn't quite figure out, although I did thoroughly confuse myself trying.
Do not let the bright 'n sunny days fool you- "baby it's cold outsiiiide"-lalala. I have been itching to go outside and run around. My body is screaming for exercise of the fun variety. Well, any exercise at all, for that matter. It's that time of year. When winter has become an annoyance and everyone in the Midwest is getting rather stir crazy. Let us out! Let us out! Let us out! I shouldn't say everyone. I do recall seeing the U of I track team out for a run this afternoon. And there were plenty of frat boys walking around in t-shirts. Because, come on, it's sunny! Oh and that glorious sunshine -it's making a noble attempt to transform leaveless trees and dirt-brown grass into a sparkling landscape of .......well, anyway, it's trying. But don't get me wrong- I am grateful for the sunshine, despite my February antsy-ness. I just can't wait for slightly warmer weather. Until then, get used to the same recycled photographs of summer '04's plants and flowers.
Before I fall asleep ever so soundly (or so I hope), just wanted to share that I left my placement today feeling happy. I do believe the thought of, "hmm, I might actually be able to do this on my own some day" actually crossed my mind. So yey!
In all seriousness I write the following NOT because I want to be pitied or that I feel sorry for myself. My troubles are my own and I would NOT trade them for anyone else's (because, goodness, mine aren't that bad-- I know this!). My purpose in writing is therapuetic in nature. With that said:
It's that time again. I've been feeling heavy lately. My mind's been fogged by an unsettling sadness that I just can't shake. The next few days seem unsurmountable. The next few years seem cloudy and mundane, redundant really. I need to fight so very hard against this state of mind. It's interesting how sadness creates a literal ache in the chest area. Wonder what that is about, chemically or pyschologically or whateverally. That's right. I wrote it. Whateverally.
I went to a TA meeting tonight and the mood was tense and everyone was talking over each other and...oh man, it was tense. Students are very unhappy and we were trying to sort out the discrepancies in grading. An 8:30pm meeting time is not good. My supervisor remarked something about me not being very upbeat tonight and I realized, man, I'm never upbeat on a Monday night! I have this initial reaction to tell myself " must be more enthusiastic next week so that she'll know I really care about doing a good job as a TA". This tendency to want to be SUPER in the eyes of all people is really screwing me over big time. I'm just always going to be tired at 8:30 pm on a Monday evening and that's that. No need to mentally beat myself upside the head about it.
I find it really odd that hardest thing I find about life is being happy about life.
It's exhausting, being nervous about what I say in front of my family and friends. I think I'm quiet so often because I think too hard. Plus, I am not very eloquent and find it extremely difficult to get my thoughts expressed exactly how I feel them.
Well, I beginning to think too hard again. Stress level is rising. This post must come to...The end.
Home sick today. Weird things happening with my body. Weirder than the wiggly tongue (which has subsided, thank goodness). Hopefully the doctor will dispel my over-zealous worries.
My tongue has a twitch. I wonder, is it a nervous tongue twitch? Perhaps I am an odd duck who does not develop twitches in normal places- like in my eye, for Pete's sake. Now granted, most people have a little bit of movement going on when the tongue is protruded so I'm not really that worried. But I've been looking at my tongue for some time now (ummhmmm, I do that) and it doesn't look normal-it's big time wiggling of which I have no control.
Must go look in the mirror again. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.
Speckled Feet for Suzanne
Speckled Hand for Husayn
Here's to the sunny days that will surely come our way...a hey...a hey, hey! These pictures were taken last August (YIKES!) of my momma's flowers/plants. I disappointedly discovered that my lens, despite rigorous cleansing with the appropriate material, has a chronic case of dust particlelitis. Please ignore annoying specks when appropriate:
Oh Happy Day!
Fuzzies with a Blur of Red
Momma's Magenta
Gentle Whisps
Grandmommie's Favorite
How could I resist? Amia Carmen, around 4 weeks.
Sweet Sleep in Sara's Arms
Darn you DUST!
Okay, here's my dilemma: I was told today that I will NOT be receiving a hospital placement in the area this summer. My options are as follows:
#1. I could try to find a year round school and get at least 4 weeks (of a needed 8) done in May/June and then wait to finish in August and start a hospital placement in September. Not digging this option.
#2. I could try to find a job that would not drive me bonkers over the summer and attempt to squeeze in a school placement and hospital placement in September-December (even though in my head I was going to be D-U-N done by October...)
#3. I could try to find a hospital placement in Chicago area over the summer with the big downside being that I would only see Brent on the weekends.
What am I to do??